Question by a PooraPagal Visitor :

Age:: 19-25

Gender:: Female

Ethnicity:: Pakistani / Indian

I’m in a very confused situtation between love & friendship.

My best friend is someone whom I’m with since my childhood. We went to school together & had a very sweet friendship. We talked about each other’s problems & solved them. She has always consoled me whenever I felt alone & I have always tried to make her smile whenever she is sad. We had a very healthy friendship until I met this guy who is my fiance now (whom I love a lot & get back even more in return). He doesn’t like my friend & gives reasons like she shows-off a lot, she has a lot of attitude, she’s indifferent & the most important: she has male-friends more than female-friends (which is true).
About this, he says that I should be friends with good people & avoid company of such friends as he thinks that this friend of mine can leak my cell number to her male-friends & will not even bother about the trouble she will cause to me. Yet he has never told me to step out of this friendship & tells me that this is just his advice to me & opinion about my friend. I always told him that I accept my friend with all her odds & he always said that he don’t care about that girl but he is worried about the trouble she can cause to me which will also effect him. So I stopped talking about my friend with my fiance but he always became upset whenever I went out with her.

Once a guy (my friend’s class-mate) called me & told me that my friend has given him my number. He didn’t know me at all. I told him that I’m engaged & not to call me anymore but he kept calling me & annoyed me saying that he loves me. I was afraid of telling this to my fiance ’cause my friend was involved in this matter. I knew, if I told him the truth I would worsen the situation by taking my friend’s name, at the same time i can never ever in my life can hide anything from him, this is why I avoid doing things about which I won’t be comfortable telling him. Anyways, i kept my mouth shut about this matter & kept thinking about what to do. I didn’t even talk to my friend about this ’cause i know that she, too, doesn’t like my fiance & would give rude remarks like: “I know what I have to do & it’s my life”

A week or two after this guy’s first call, i got to meet my fiance after 6 months. We were spending a very nice time talking to each other until this guy called me. I became nervous. I said that it’s an unknown number so i asked my fiance to answer the call. The guy said that he wanted to talk to me. My fiance saw me with red blooded eyes & walked away from me. I could here him shouting & cursing the guy at the other end. He came to me after he hung up the call & asked me who the guy was & where did he get my number from? I told him the truth. He was VERY angry & shouted at me that he had warned me about this. Here he gave me two options:
1. Do not continue friendship with her at all, Or
2. Continue friendship with her BUT I alone will be responsible for any such problems occuring in future & that he will not defend me at that time.

He was sorry, he said that he has to take care of me & couldn’t find any other way then these two options.
This is where I got confused ’cause as I said that I accept her with all her odds.
But now it’s effecting my love life. One of my close friends told me that I shouldn’t have tried to bring love & friendship together.

My questions are:
1. Where I have been wrong?
2. Is my fiance’s reaction natural?
3. Which option given to me by my fiance should I choose?
4. I wish to save my friendship without hurting my fiance, is this possible?

Please advice on this.
Thanx a LOT!

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Poorapagal says :

A very sticky situation indeed. Let’s go to the nittygritty of this sensitive question.

I would probably say that first of all friendship is a very sacred thing, something that makes us feel on top of the world, and can turn the tides of impossible things to being reasonably possible by just one little caring word from your friend, and that too from a good friend who sees the goodness in you and still accepts you for the things that aren’t socially acceptable maybe.

Let’s see that you got engaged to this guy after years and years of being close to your friend. Well we all have some friends who aren’t in someway accepted but that’s a choice we have to make as to what about them is a thing that we are attracted to. Is it their goodness or the bad things in them. Remember no one is BAD, its the decisions that make a situation that makes them LOOK bad.

The thing that your number reached someone else via your friend, can be a bad sign. But I don’t want to jump to conclusions but the kind of reactions your fiance has towards your friend, make me think a little that. Is it possible that he created this situation by having some of his own friends to get your friend out of the way? The world is a weird place sister, anything can happen when jealousy or uncertainty in a relationship hit rock bottom. Let’s assume that is the case, and you are given those choices. You might leave a friend who has been there through thick and thin, but at the same time would “hurt” the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

But let’s see the other situation now. If you are so good friends with her I would advice that you pick the phone up this very second and ask her that if she didn’t manage to leave her phone somewhere because your number has been getting some weird calls. Say that you trust her but if someone did manage to get the number your finace would make things so hard for you. And just use a tone that you would otherwise to see what she says. If she senses your fiances tone in your voice, things might get worse between you. She might have something to say you know.

As for your fiance ke choices that he has given you. Seems like he is very much annoyed over your friendship. I see lots of people like that, not just in Asian culture but they exist everywhere. This type of male would not like it if you:-

- had friends that you give more time to than them
- had activities that would make you feel good about yourself
- had thoughts that in a way collide with their viewpoint

So in a situation where you are given choices, and that too even before marriage. There are some things you would have to weigh here.

Is this a relationship where you will always be given ultimatums. Now you might accept it, but in the future the friendship that you might lose by accepting one choice, might come back to haunt you in various ways when things God forbid are always based on conditions.

Life is a beautiful thing sister. Take steps slowly, and don’t rush into anything before you are 10000% sure that the “love” that you have for someone has mutual respect, honesty, care, trust, understanding in the list of ingredients. If either one is missing the word love shouldn’t be used .. you can call it a relationship.

Are you wrong in anyway? Which choice should you make? Your heart and mind would know the answer already